Good help is so hard to find

V:
Chad, it's Viv.SOOOOO Sorry i've been out of touch. My damn sherpa fractured his skull, arms and both legs carrying me from Neimans to Bush and Powell. Those cable cars come out of nowhere, I tell you. Anything carring...what are those things called...'the middle class' is just bad news. Needless to say, I fired him immediately and imported a new one from Nepal who is typing this as I dictate over my breakfast of lemon wedges and cigarettes. Please call me as soon as possible.The dreadful holiday is coming up this Thursday. Mummy is flying in from Nantucket, Daddy, from his oil deal in Dubai. We're having one of those turkey dinners and they are going to expect me to EAT. I need your best vomiting tips. air kisses and a slap,viv.

C:
Darling, How horrible! That must have been terrible for you, having to gather up your own shopping bags and carrying them to the curb! Now I know that Nepalese sherpas are kind of the standard, but my friend Sophia Lamont-Dumont-Waterford just imported the new model from Mongolia, and she says he can carry her from YSL over Russian Hill to Riley James in just under 15 minutes! I'm seriously considering upgrading. As for dinner, if you like I can lend you Rosario's niece to sit in for you. God knows those ethnics can put it away like Oprah in a buffet line. And seriously, Daddy hasn't seen you in a decade and mumsy should be on her fifth martini before the caviar is even set out. They'll never suspect a thing. Chad